[SPOILERS FOR THE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE! IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT YET, GET OFF OF YOUR COMPUTER/PHONE,BUY TICKETS, WATCH IT, AND THEN COME BACK SO WE CAN NERD TOGETHER]
So, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed has been out for about a month now, and everyone has been freaking out about it. Some people actually suggested that it was bigger than Christmas this year. I, for one, watched it that weekend, preordered tickets and everything! It was so good.
Probably one of my favorite bits of the movie is, surprise, Kylo Ren, aka Vader 2.0
He is a pretty neat little character. He is smart, he is ruthless, he can also be a bit of a comedic relief.
It wasn’t until last week when a friend and I were smoking a cigarette that was realized that Kylo is a Disney Princess.
1. He is
Princess General Leia’s Kid
That’s right, Han and Leia had a baby that turned into Vader. Even though Alderaan got blown up and Leia was really the princess of nothing during the original trilogy, she is still royal. When whoever was queen got blown up by the Death Star, Leia became queen. When she and Han got together, Han Solo became king, and baby Kylo, wearing Pawpaw’s helmet, became a prince.
The royal theme works out very well, however, Kylo doesn’t exactly fit for a Disney Prince.
The Princes that Disney has fed us over the years have been very, stagnant. They all seem to have the same personality, two-dimensional, and really only there to save the princess. Granted, here recently with Princess and the Frog and Frozen, the idea of the ‘Prince’ has changed, but even so, Kylo still doesn’t fit.
He is a princess.
2. Impossible Hair
Did anyone else have a problem with Andy Driver fitting all of that hair into the helmet? It didn’t bother me until a friend brought it up, and I went ‘Holy crap, he’s right.’
How does it all fit up there? Does he pause time and slick back his hair to put on the helmet? Does it choke him while he’s taunting Poe? How come he doesn’t have helmet hair?
3. Temper Tantrums
The most terrifying person in the universe, the one who controls the force with such ferocity that he can stop a blaster in mid pew – throws a lot of temper tantrums.
I feel like he is a three-year-old, but with a lightsaber, and the ability to kill a lot of people – but still a three-year-old!
I mean, look at most of our princesses:
- Ariel gets mad at daddy and swims off to Ursula.
- Jasmine is constantly jumping over that wall and getting into trouble.
- Alice is bored of her sister reading at her and follows a rodent into the ground.
- Pocahontas goes against daddies wishes because he wants her to get married.
- Merida gets mad at her mom and turns her into a bear.
- Elsa froze – like – everything and ran off to make a snowman without her sister.
These princesses don’t have the best composure track record, and neither does our lovely Kylo.
He attacks inanimate objects with his light saber and, apparently, is it such a normal practice, that people are just used to it. One guy just stands there while sparks are flying off of him while two troopers would rather let him tear shit up than do their patrol.
3. Daddy Issues
4. Hella Smart
Kylo Ren is smart, there is no doubt.
When he knows Han Solo is in the building, he uses the pull that he knows he still has over his parents to lure him to the middle of Star Killer. And there, Kylo Ren, thought he solved his daddy issues.
And made a whole bunch of middle-aged nerds cry manly tears.
As much as Kylo Ren is our newest Disney Princess, he is also an amazing bad guy. Reminding me of Elsa from Frozen, he seems to have some problems controlling himself.
Also, he is one of the few villains that have to convince themselves to be a villain.
When he is sitting in his room, talking to Vader’s mask, he makes it very apparent that he is being lured to be good, but he wants to be bad.
As opposed to Anakin, who was bad, but wanted to be good, Kylo is fighting to be a bad guy. Maybe the ultimate rebellion in the Solo family is to join the Empire? Maybe tattoos are too last era.
Unlike most movies, when the evil mentor says “He needs more training”, he actually means it. Kylo is like an evil diamond in the rough, and with the right amount of training, he can get there.
Now it’s just up to Force-Gollum to help him become the best Princess Ben can be.
Did you in any way find this humorous? I’m sorry.
If you want to throw rotten tomatoes at me, feel free in the comments below!